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I remember our childhood song that begins with the words *singeul beongeul*.
I lost the lyrics but I remember it always filled me with joy.
Why am I now feeling so sad while humming the melody of our childhood song?

I remember our childhood song that begins with the phrase 하나, 둘, 셋, 넷, 앞으로 가 자.
I lost the rest of the lyrics but I remember being happy singing it.
Why am I now in tears while humming the melody of our childhood song?

I remember our childhood song that begins with the words *peureun* 하늘.
I feel suffocating desperately searching for the lost lyrics of our childhood songs
And I break down and cry uncontrollably.

I remember the words *peureun* 산, 개나리, 진달래, 무궁화, 노랑 나비 and 겨울 나무 from other songs.
Why am I crying while humming the melodies of our childhood songs?
Why every song from our childhood makes me cry?
Why did our childhood songs have to end like this?

I remember our childhood song that begins with the words 우리의 소원,
And I want to die right now
So that we can write a forever happy song together in our next life.

Note: I wrote this almost a year ago, on November 2021.
Words in italic between two asterisks are Korean words as I remember.
As for the words written in Korean, I’ve checked their spelling using Google translate.

You never checked on me

I trusted you like a fool.
I waited for you to come and take me home like a fool.
I waited for you to come rescue me like a fool.
I missed you like a fool.
I clung to the hope of our reunion like a fool.
I loved you like a fool.
I kept you in my heart like a fool.
I erased you and then I drew you again like a fool.
I hated you and then I loved you again like a fool.
I wanted to forget you, but I always thought of you like a fool.
I’m loving you like a fool.
I’m missing you like a fool.
I hate you because I miss you.
I hate you because it hurts.

**********

You weren’t there when I was sad.
You weren’t there when I was homesick.
You weren’t there when I wanted to return home.
You weren’t there when I was having a hard time.
You weren’t there when I was losing my words.
You weren’t there when I was losing my manners.
You weren’t there when I was losing my way of thinking and creating.
You weren’t there when I realized I lost our language and felt rape in my soul.
You weren’t there when I needed your protection.
You weren’t there when my life became hell.
You weren’t there when I was alone in my despair.

You sent me away.
You never checked on me.
You forgot me.
You erased me.

**********

You weren’t there to protect me when they were removing my Korean manners from me while teaching me their manners as being the right manners.

You weren’t there to protect me when they were draining me of my ways of thinking and creating while injecting their ways into me.

You weren’t there to protect me when they were emptying me of all my words while penetrating me forcefully with their foreign words.

I lost our language because
You sent me to a foreign country where nobody called me by my name and nobody spoke our language.

I lost our language and culture because
You sent me away.
You never checked on me.
You forgot me.
You erased me.






Heartache in Korean songs

I listen to Korean songs. I’m not listening to them to (re)learn the Korean language, but because they sound beautifully sad (I like sad music). When I listen to a song, I rarely listen to the lyrics, I only listen to the melody and the voice.
This week I realized most of the Korean songs I like have the word sarang which means love, the only word I understand. So I searched for the lyrics and found their meanings, using Papago Naver traslator.
사랑이 나를 떠나 = Love leaves me.
사랑이 나를 버려 = Love abandons me.
왜 이렇게 아픈지? = Why does it hurt so much?

And I thought, “there must be a real Korean in me.” The Korean song writers/ lyricists and I, we kind of write/speak the same language, the language of heartache.
They (Koreans song writers and lyricists) write about the heartache of losing their lover. And I, about the heartache of losing my home country, people and family. We use the same words to speak about our heartache.




 

I cry silently in the shower to hide my tears. I refrain from screaming.

If I were there I wouldn’t need to hide to cry. I could cry in a public place and no one would see my tears and my red and swollen eyes from crying; I could scream and no one would hear me. Because you are blind and deaf to the suffering, because you are indifferent. You have become indifferent to the suffering by dint of selling your children.

I hate that I still miss my country.

Because I’m an idiot

Because I miss you,
I want to forget you.
Because I long for you,
I want to erase you from my heart.

I will forget you.
I will erase you from my heart.

Because I’m an idiot,
I can’t forget you.
Because I’m really an idiot,
I can’t erase you from my heart.

보고 싶어서
나는 너를 잊고 싶어
그리워서
 마음에서 너를 지우고 싶어

  잊을 거야
 마음에서  지울게

내가 바보라서
나는 너를 잊을  없어
 정말 멍청하니까
 마음에서  지울  없어.

Translation from English to Korean, with Papago Naver translate.


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