Archive for June 4th, 2015

Today on the Facebook page, Is Adoption Trauma?  I read a quote by B.J. Lifton that starts with, “An adopted teenager once told me, “I feel there are two teenage me’s. The me that was born but didn’t live. And the me who was not born, but lived the life I have today.” Without understanding she was expressing the split in the self that so many adoptees make in order to survive….”

It brought me tears as I recall my own life as an adoptee….

The following  are excerpts from my memoir/diary that I wrote about 25 years ago when I was in my 20s. This is actually a third version of my memoir/diary. I had written the first version during my teen years but destroyed it by fear someone would read it; I also destroyed the second version while re-writing this version to be read by my doctor who had encouraged me to put my life on a paper.  It’s in French, so I translated it below with comments in italic if needed.

les3moi002“Since I left Korea, there are 2 other persons in me: the 3 persons live always together but people only see/saw one person. There is me, the real Kim Myung-Sook who lived in Korea. When she came, she was not the one my mother wanted. My mother wanted a living doll, a baby to cuddle. That’s why, for my mother, there’s a 2nd Kim like the one my mother wanted.  The real me, the one who was born in Korea, she knows what real life is, she knows life is sad and she sometimes feel she’s too old; she lives in the real [life] while hating the real et she leaves the place to the second Kim.
The second Kim is the one everyone knows [of me]. She was a baby when she came, she became older with  moving house [from Maine, USA to Quebec, Canada], she became older but she’s of her real age. [I meant that everyone paid attention to me and treated me as if I was a baby. But less than six months later I was seen as a girl of my age because I had grown up and nobody cared about me], she’s lucky to have all the material comfort, lucky to be adopted. She’s a child who doesn’t suffer. She’s the one who hides the truth when the 1st wants to show up. This one, she evolves normally as expected by everyone.
The 3rd is the one that was invented by the  1st for the nights to fall asleep, only to pretend. This one is not really a person, it’s only like a TV character. At the beginning when I lived in Maine, this 3rd was sleeping in Korea and she was dreaming  everything the 2nd lived and nobody was able to wake her up. [I meant that I pretended to be asleep in Korea and that everything was only a dream or a nightmare] When I was at Collège Français [a primary school], I changed the scenario, I pretended to be the daugther of an orphanage director. It was a little what I wished when I lived at St. Paul, to have parents but to stay there.
Finally the 3rd didn’t really exist since it was the 1st who was pretending to live as another person and this person was exactly the 1st who shouldn’t have been, as she is, if she had live like…
I can not explain everything!
Anyway, if I hadn’t pretend to live the life of the 3rd, I would never have succeeded with perfection to be the 2nd everyone knew and I would have ended up being crazy.”

Today I would say all this differently: adoption killed the Korean in me and adoption created the Quebecker in me.

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