Posts Tagged ‘replacement child’

Plan A: biological child; dead in the womb.
Plan B: Kelly, the neighbors’ daughter; failed.
Plan C: a girl from Korean or Vietnam; Korean girl recycled to a Canadian girl.

Kelly lived the next door. She was three years older than me.
When I started learning English, I heard her saying to my friend Lori that everything that belonged to me used to be hers. “Her Barbies were mine, her bike was mine, her cloths were mine,…, everything Kim has was mine before she came,” she said. I went to see my mom crying and told her what Kelly said. Mom told me that Kelly was a liar and she consoled me.

About a year later after we moved to Canada, I saw in my mom’s wallet two wallet portrait photos: one photo of Kelly and the other of me. Kelly and I were photographed wearing the same dress and with a same haircult. The photos were taken most likely by the same photographer. By her look, Kelly’s photo must have been taken two or three years before mine.

I told my mom that I still remembered Kelly had said all my stuff belonged to her before my arrival. Mom said it wasn’t true; most of the things had been newly bought especially for me and only a few things were lent to her until my arrival.

I questioned her more about Kelly.

Kelly was the daugther of my parents’ employee. My parents kept because her father was alcoholic. They got attached to her. Kelly’s parents took her back after the father recovered from alcoholism.
Before having Kelly, mom was pregnant but her baby died in her womb because of Rhesus factor problem. She couldn’t become pregnant again.
Mom was very sad for the double-loss of her baby and of Kelly. A social worker consoled her and told her she could have her own daugther by adopting a girl from a poor country. That’s how my parents have decided to adopt me.

I felt like crying and my throat tightening.

A few years later my parents and I were having a nice time watching together some old home movies they had filmed before my arrival. In one of them, Kelly was filmed wearing the same dress as in our photos and receiving a blue toy dog as gift for Christmas from my mom. The blue toy dog was one of my toys.

I then understood that Kelly had told the truth, and therefore mom had lied to me. It hurt me to know that I was a replacement for the aborted replacement of their unborn baby. I didn’t show my feelings as usual.

In 1999, my mom died of cancer. I found in her wallet the two portrait photos of Kelly and me with the same dress and same haircut taken at different times. I tore them crying.

I still have the dress that belonged to Kelly before my arrival. My mom wanted to keep it as a souvenir of my first days after my “birth”. I’ve kept it because I wanted to give my favorite dress to my future daughter. I was 10 years old when I dreamed of having my own children and family and decided to keep that dress. I’m now 46 years old and childless. Despite my yearning to have my own children, I will never adopt because I was adopted.

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