Visages effacés, redessinés

(English version below)

Je dessinais, dans mon cœur,
les visages d’아버지 et d’엄마.
Je les effaçais quand le chagrin devenait trop lourd,
et je les redessinais aussitôt,
de peur qu’ils s’effacent pour de bon.

J’y ajoutais aussi les visages de mes deux 언니 et de mon 오빠.
Mais à force de vivre parmi les Blancs,
mes traits se sont déplacés sans que je m’en rende compte :
un jour, sur mon papier intérieur, ce furent des visages blancs qui apparurent.

Quand j’ai retrouvé mes 언니, j’ai eu un choc.
Ces yeux asiatiques, si familiers à mon sang,
me semblaient étrangers, presque laids,
et j’avais peur qu’elles devinent ma gêne.

Pourtant, dans mon enfance, ma 큰 언니 était la plus belle à mes yeux.
Aujourd’hui encore, ma mémoire hésite,
et j’ai du mal à imaginer 아버지, 엄마, et 오빠
autrement que sous des traits blancs,
même si ma raison sait qu’ils étaient asiatiques.

Faces Erased, Redrawn

I used to draw the faces of my 아버지 and 어마 in my heart.
When the grief was too heavy, I erased them,
but then I drew them again, afraid I might forget.

I drew the faces of my two 언니 and my 오빠 too.
But after living among white people for so long,
at some point without realizing,
the faces I was drawing had become white.

When I was reunited with my 언니 I was shocked.
Their Asian eyes felt so foreign,
so uncomfortable to me that I was afraid
they would notice what I was thinking.

And yet, as a little girl,
I used to think my 큰 어니 was the most beautiful in the world.

Even now, I still struggle.
I can’t seem to imagine the faces of my 아버지, 엄마, and 오빠
as anything other than white,
even though my mind knows very well
that they were Asian.

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